To Review

I've read a crap ton of books since I reviewed Julie Garwood's Mercy.

A list now, for me to remember to review all of them.

All U Can Eat - Emma Holly - Erotica - A
Ain't She Sweet - Susuan Elizabeth Phillips - Contemporary Romance - B
Bet Me - Jennifer Crusie - Contemporary Romance - A+
King and King - Haan and Nijland - Childrens - B-
Someday My Prince - Christina Dodd - Historical Romance - Epic didn't finish

Currently Reading:
Hot Shot - Susan Elizabeth Phillips - Contemporary Romance

Next on deck:
Breathers: A Zombie's Lament - S.G. Browne - Fiction
AND
Pride, Predjudice & Zombies - Jane Austin & Seth Grahaem Smith

Trashy Romance Novel Review: Julie Garwood's Murder List

Oh Julie Garwood.

I have such fond memories of you. You helped me survive 6th grade with your historical romance novels. Your spunky unconventional heroines were role models for my 12 year old self. Your brooding and rake heroes begged for reformation. I drank your romance novels like coke on a scorching day!

Ms. Garwood, now that I am older and wiser I'd have to say I've grown out of you, and here is why.

Ms. Garwood was exclusively a historical romance writer. Even as a pre teen I knew her stories were formulaic. Her heroes are an interesting mix of brute meets dreamer. He's always some sort of warrior. Either he works for the home office, or he's a barbarian conquering the Saxons. She's also well known for her formulaic heroines. Wiki says "Garwood's novels are particularly known for the quirkiness of her heroines, who tend to have an ability to get lost anywhere, clumsiness, and a "charming ability to obfuscate and change the direction of conversations to the consternation, frustration, but eventual acceptance of the other party." Sexy huh? Innocent is more like it.

Murder List is a contemporary suspense. I love my suspense littered with romance. Its the best. Hell, the marker of a good romance is the suspense between the characters, yeah you know they're going to end up happily ever after, but you're still sitting on the edge of your seat thinking, "Will they? Won't they?" What girl hasn't entertained the notion of the modern day knight in shining armor? She, in trouble, he an authority figure, helps her in her time of need through information and protection. Talk about 20th century fantasy material! I was so excited to read this back in 2004 when it was originally published because Garwood was only releasing maybe a book every few years, so when I saw it in the library's book bin, I was all for paying 10 cents for it. Was it a mistake? Maybe, but reading it was enlightening because it really showed me how much my tastes have changed in just five years of reading these!

Murder List is about Regan Hamilton, a hotel heiress who is in charge of her families vast philanthropic foundation. Alec Buchanan is a NY detective assigned to body guard duty because he pissed off his superior. Regan is looking into some shady self help guru who is stealing money from his clients and maybe even killing them. While looking into this guru's practices with her crazy rich friends (who are all doing work that pays them nothing while living off the family fortune. One friend is a high school science teacher who teaches auto mechanic classes at night, while the other is the art and style writer for the local paper) she is stalked by someone who has a grudge against her. The crazy shady guru (who is in the book for the first chapter and the last. Way to go Garwood! ::sarcastic::) has the group compose a murder list as an exercise to help the group cleanse themselves of their anger. Regan conveniently drops hers. Shady character picks it up. Proceeds to kill only TWO of the five people on her "murder list," like, a month after she drops it. Garwood makes it clear that Regan is having a hard time choosing names because well, she's just so gosh darn nice. Regan meets Alec because of the first murder and the killers subsequent psychotic love of sending her proof of the murders. Alec is attracted to her, they spend the entire book flirting and organizing her office with little to no detective work. They sleep together. They tell each other it won't happen again. Add in a new job offer in a different location, a false suspect arrested and a chase through the forest and you've got yourself a really really mediocre romantic suspense novel.

I can't even get into how much this book annoyed me. I have the other four contemporaries she's written as sequels and I don't remember them being this annoying. Regan is too nice for her own good. She'd never catch a dangerous fox of a detective/soon to be FBI agent like Alec in a million years in real life. Yeah, books are escapism, but I like my reality to be in the chemistry of the characters. I didn't feel this chemistry. Maybe there would have been more if Regan had been less sweet. Sweet in the way kids breakfast cereal is sweet, the kind that makes you a little nauseous and you know is a shitty way to start your day. But damn didn't I love this when it came out in 2004. It was like crack. Now I was just frustrated. I wanted her to be on top of finding this killer, instead of burying herself in organizing her office files and leaving the detecting to the big boy cops. Alec didn't even do anything, he sat there and alternated watching her tv and her legs the whole time.

Don't even get me started on the bad guy. He was just that, some random ass bad guy. The reader couldn't discover who he was in a million years. Garwood had to tell us it! Lame!

Now wait, its not ALL bad. I read these trashy romance novels when I was way to young to be thinking about sex all the time. I also read them with my head up in the clouds, wondering when I'd find my own prince charming to come save me. On a scale of the trashy romance novel's I've read and how they have impacted my poor adolescent brain? Lets look at the pertinent facts: nice girl gets reformed bad boy, bad guy gets punished, heroine, while sweet, is plucky in her own way, and while the chemistry is luke warm, Garwood makes an effort to show that Alec and Regan love each other.

Now for the good stuff: the sex. On the scale of 1-5, was a 2 (I think I need to really mull over this sex scene rating at length. Heh, length). Would I give this to my 12 year old daughter? Sure. She could be reading Twilight. Better she read about a couple who loves each for other reasons than how they smell. Better she fantasize about an idealized version of what really happens in bed between a couple than someone passing out because of the pain of a sparkly, venomous penis penetration.

What stack does it go in? Stack Three. "So glad I only paid 10 cents for this shit. Used bookstore here you come!"

If you like romantic suspense with law enforcement and stalkers try: Linda Howard's Dying to Please

Ridiculous

So I keep meaning to post more, because well, that's what this thing is for.
I've got recipes galore to post, that I've cooked in the past month, and pictures I need to start taking of said food.
I'm sure I'll have crafty bitch things to post and fantastic frugal living hints, to add to the ones I've found this month.
I also think I'm going to add a few book reviews to this lovely thing.
Damn I got to be more on top of this.

Ok recently I've made these:
Honey Chicken stir fry with sugar snap peas, broccoli and onion.
I perfected my mini Macaroni and Cheese hors d'oeuvres.
-I had to cave and add American cheese (blech!) and bigger elbow macaroni. Also to support these tender cheesy morsels I had the idea to put them in muffin cups for easy handling.
My favorite meat turnovers
An authentic Mexican breakfast burrito with Longaniza(or chorizo).
- if you've never tried either, they are AMAZING cooked in a burrito or my favorite, with eggs!
And a ton of grilled cheese. I got lazy.

And thats all I can remember at the moment.

as for frugal living:

I just discovered big lots. Silly I know! I moved Ace in with Woody last week and needed things to make his transition easier. Big lots is an epic win for that! Really cheap (and high quality) cat toys for a dollar, a mat for under his cat box for five dollars, and cat litter (the good kind) for 5 bucks too. I also got body lotion, a box for all my toiletries at Woody's, Batman placemats (I couldn't resist), cotton rounds for a dollar (I've been looking everywhere for some cheap ones!), all for under 20 bucks! How can I say no to all of that?

Craftiness is at an all time low.
Woody and I are going to Seattle for the Penny Arcade Expo in September and then in October I'm going to the Alternative Press Expo in SF with him. I'm going to get crafty there so I can promote Woody's art like a bitch.

(if you haven't seen his stuff yet here's the website, www.betweenmars.com if you like ridiculousness and whimsy you'll love his stuff!)

As for books, well, I've been a book slut.
This fuses mightily with my love of being thrifty.
I canvas the used bookstores in the vicinity of my places of residence and haven't found too many places, but goddamn does the library in Palos Verdes have a good book sale section.

So after I finish reading Murder List by Julie Garwood I'll post a Yea or Nay for this lovely piece of trashy romance nove literature. And cue my start to begin blogging again!

Baking is my crack.

So I wish I could update this more but the Salvation Army filter at work is a total jerk. For some reason it does not like me blogging at all. It also does not like OkCupid, YouTube, my instant online Netflix and anything related to games. (note: I have no reason to go on OkCupid anymore but I get livid when anyone tells me I cannot do something).

This weekend I was comissioned with baking a dessert for the La Familia Leon reunion. This reunion is done every year for my mom's side of the family. Since my Ace disaster required that I was unable to pay my mother her 300 dollar rent, I decided I'd make dessert so she wouldn't need to stress out too much. My desserts of choice?

Ameretto (or sometimes flavored Tequila) Sprinkle Cake
and
Home Made Girl Scout Samoas

Below I will detail how to make both. The Amaretto Sprinkle Cake is by far the easiest. I used to make it in Santa Cruz for everyone's birthday. It became a Team Gay favorite, I even believe that there was some drama once over who got the last piece of cake. I believe it was a girl I detested. She did not endear herself to me by eating the last slice of my Lesley Lovah's birthday cake.

Amaretto Sprinkle Cake
One box of Pillsbury's Funfetti cake mix.
4 to 6 oz of Amaretto liquor. (I use Trader Joes Amaretto di Amore imitation which is 8 bucks, vs. the 20 dollar Disaronno. I used to use Almond Tequila, but got that in Puerto Vallarta tequila tasting and they don't sell it online. I still like that better!)
1 cup of powdered sugar.
1 cup of chocolate chips. (Any kind really, I like milk chocolate but I think I'll try semi-sweet. Dark chocolate would be amazing!)
1 bunt cake pan.
Non stick spray.

Directions:
Prepare cake according to box.
Add 1-2 oz of Amaretto liquor to the batter.
Pour into greased bunt cake pan. (The pan makes the cake look great since you don't put any ridiculous frosting on it.)
Bake according to box.
Allow to cool. Place on large platter.
Once cooled poke a few hole in the cake with a fork. Pour 1-4 oz of Amaretto on the cake slowly, allowing it to be absorbed.
After the liquor has been absorbed somewhat, pour the powdered sugar in a sifter and lightly distribute the powdered sugar on the cake.
Melt chocolate chips according to package. (Usually one cup per one minute)
Dip a fork in melted chocolate and drizzle over the bunt cake.

Enjoy! My mother has eaten this as breakfast for like forever. I've used a "real" cake mix a few times, but its so stressful. I'll keep my funfetti cake near and dear to my heart!

Home Made Girl Scout Samoa's
(Found on Tastespotting, my favorite website ever!)
Adapted from OnceUponAPlate
Orange comments are mine

Recipe for Cookies:
1 cup butter, soft
1/2 cup sugar
2 cups all purpose flour
1/4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
up to 2 tbsp milk

Preheat oven to 350F.
In a large mixing bowl, cream together butter and sugar.
Mix in flour, baking powder and salt at a low speed, followed by the vanilla and milk, adding in the milk as needed to make the dough come together without being sticky The dough should come together into a soft, not-too-sticky ball.
(Add in a bit of extra flour if your dough is very sticky or if too dry add milk in small quantities.)

Roll the dough (working in two or three batches) out between pieces of wax paper to about 1/4-inch thickness.
(I find that the dough is very sticky at times. If this is the case, I find that putting it in the fridge between batches/at the beginning makes it much easier to handle.)
Use a 1 1/2-inch round cookie cutter to make rounds.

Place on a parchment lined baking sheet and use a knife, or the end of a wide straw, to cut a smaller center hole. Repeat with remaining dough.
(Not really all that important. The hole makes the cookie more authentic and lighter but my tummy doesn't really care.)

*Alternatively, use scant tablespoons of dough and press into an even layer in a mini donut pan to form the rounds.*

Bake cookies for 10-12 minutes, until bottoms are lightly browned and cookies are set.
*If using a mini donut pan, bake for only about 10 minutes, until edges are light gold.*

Cool for a few minutes on the baking sheet then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.
(Very important! If you don't let them cool, the Carmel wont stick to the cookie.)

Topping
3 cups shredded coconut (sweetened or unsweetened)
12-oz good-quality chewy caramels
1/4 tsp salt
3 tbsp milk
8 oz. dark or semisweet chocolate (chocolate chips are ok)

Preheat oven to 300. Spread coconut evenly on a parchment-lined baking sheet (preferably one with sides) and toast 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes, until coconut is golden. Cool on baking sheet, stirring occasionally. Set aside.
(Don't forget to stir it! I always burn my coconut if I forget to stir it. This step I always do before I bake the cookies.)

Unwrap the caramels and place in a large microwave-safe bowl with milk and salt. Cook on high for 3-4 minutes, stopping to stir a few times to help the caramel melt. When smooth, fold in toasted coconut with a spatula.

Using the spatula or a small offset spatula, spread topping on cooled cookies, using about 2-3 tsp per cookie. Reheat caramel for a few seconds in the microwave if it gets too firm to work with.
(Be very very careful! The carmel and coconut is very hot and I always burn my fingers when frosting the cookies)

Set carmel topping by sticking the cookie sheets in the fridge.
(Carmel takes a while to set and you need to prepare it so the chocolate on the bottom can set also. Putting it in the fridge lets you manipulate the cookie without it sticking to everything.)

Melt chocolate in a small bowl. Heat on high in the microwave in 45 second intervals, stirring thoroughly to prevent scorching.
Ice the cookie with the chocolate and place on a clean piece of parchment paper carmel side down.
Allow to set in fridge.

Transfer all remaining chocolate (or melt a bit of additional chocolate, if necessary) into a piping bag or a ziplock bag with the corner snipped off and drizzle finished cookies with chocolate.
(I never do this. I have yet to really understand how how I'm supposed to stick piping hot chocolate into something plastic and not burn my hands or melt the bag)
Let chocolate set completely before storing in an airtight container.

Makes about 3 1/2-4 dozen cookies.
(if you make the dough really thin.)

These cookies are pretty time consuming to make. A good idea is to have a friend help you. Woody helped me and we got it done in an hour!

Ta-da. Everyone was impressed! They were gone within an hour. The picture is of the last two I stole from my mother for the photo op.

The highlight of my weekend besides spending some good quality time with La Familia? Getting a really tacky chandelier and cleaning it up. Once Woody saw it in the sunlight, he was eager to put it in his new apartment. Sqeee! Now its time to help Woody move in. How exciting!

OMG

Its about fucking time that you blogger finally allowed me online. I've been without posting (and stalking) access for a whole month.

I have nothing to post except that Ace got sick. A vet bill is something you CANNOT skimp on. I wish I could live like a slutty bitch on a budget with this, but my hell beast's life is something I cannot skimp on.

He's doing much better, and is as bratty as ever.

I am watching the Sarah Connor chronicles here at work while my boss is gone for three weeks. My inbox is full, my book cart is loaded, and I've done nothing. I blame it all on my weakness for trashy romance novels and canceled tv shows.


I leave you with this, a lovely photo shoot that Woody and I had at the Crescent Hotel in Beverly Hills for a book signing.

Woody loves his beard. I love his beard. So when he asks me to put one on, I don't hesitate. Honestly though, I'm more of a mustache girl.

"Summer Days Driftin' Away..."

Saturday night after work I had made plans to go with The Boyfriend on a double date with his BFF and her boyfriend. Our plans included going to see Pixar's new film, Up. While it wasnt my FAVORITE Pixar movie to date, (that award goes to Finding Nemo) it sure did make me bawl for the first 15 minutes. Even Woody got choked up! Its pretty much the cutest love story ever. One of the main components of the film was this thing called The Adventure Book. Its totally cute and something I decided to do for this summer to document my adventures with Woody. We've had quite a few adventures already; Vegas, go kart racing, mini golf, park trips and road trips. Many of these haven't been as photo documented as we'd both like. I said to him, "Well, damn, I guess it means we're going to have to go again!"

Below are a few things I've been thinking about doing for quite some time, and this summer seems like the perfect time to do it.

My Summer To Do List:

1. Go to a water park.
-Um, I don't know about anyone else here, but the last time I went to a water park, I was maybe 10. That age is totally when you start thinking about what you look like in a bathing suit. I kept my shirt on the whole time and was not a very good swimmer. I could only go on the slides that had 3 feet of water or less at the end. My worst nightmare at 10 was having my cover up fall off me early on in the day and almost drowning in the "Laguna Storm Tower Cylone of Terror" and having some very attractive 14 year old life guard save me. At the present, while I'm almost as uncomfortable in a bathing suit as I was when I was 10, my swimming skills have improved and my new retro black one-piece is pretty flattering. I've proposed to Woody that we go and beat up the little kids at one of the waterparks in the area and have fun. He's totally game. For the reference of my readers and a hope that they'll drag out their inner 10 year old and pack away their inner self contious woman for a day and come with me, I've listed the prices below.

Knotts Berry Farm's Soak City, Buena Park Ca: $24.99 (The closest! Three blocks from Woody's)
Hurricane Harbor, Los Angeles CA: $19.99
Wild Rivers, Irvine Ca: $31.98
Raging Waters, San Dimas CA: $39.99

2. Disneyland for the boyfriend's birthday.
- While Disneyland has that *amazing deal* going on about free admission to the park on your birthday, I find it a total scam. Why would I pay full price to go on SOMONE ELSES birthday? So instead I plan on exploiting my younger cousin who works at the park to sign us in if we cannot go on the actual day of his birth. Then I can take her out to lunch and have a grand old time not worry about the $70 dollars I'll be out just for park entrance.

3. Zoo trip!
- I'd be lying if I didn't want to make the boyfriend face his fear of abnormally large bugs. He squeals like a girl when confronted with the tiniest daddy long legs. My favorite thing about living in LA is that there are so many options nearby! San Diego, Los Angles, and Santa Ana, all within a half hour's drive from my front door! And hey, look! So many different choices on what kind of date you want to have, cheap or expensive!

Los Angeles Zoo: $12.00
San Diego Zoo & Wild Animal Park: $35.00
Santa Ana Zoo: $7.00

4. Help the boyfriend find a kick ass apartment.
-He's moving out. He's asked me to move in. There are a thousand multi-colored butterflies in my stomach zooming around like they're being chased by an ADHD kitten named Babette. Deciding to learn from my mother's mistakes, I declined for the moment. I told him that we've been dating less than a year and that's not long enough to know one another or for me to feel comfortable moving in. We talked about it and will renegiotate in six months. I'm determined to find him a place he'll love. Not one I'll love but one he'll love. We have plans to get a pair of bikes and go bike riding on the weekends. I want a beach cruiser with a huge wire basket, and I want to be able to cook for him. I can't wait to pick out produce at the farmers market and bake almond shortbread jam cookies. I can't wait to tease him about his meticulously sliced produce and draw little pictures on his sack lunches.

5. Have more bonfires and BBQ's.
- Dockwiller, Huntinton, Bolsa Chica, they are all so close, and so cheap! I love bonfires, the hotdogs, the red cups, the cold sand, the bonfire hair. I like watching the guys try to be macho by breaking wood and attempt to light the fire. I love park bbq's. Right near Woody's house is a lovely little park. Its pretty large and quiet with quite a few charcol BBQ's. Yesterday we went and sat out in the sun for a tiny bit and read. I was just thinking how nice it'd be to get a group together to blow bubbles and fly kites together.

6. Work on my golf swing.
-Yes, I just said that. The Boyfriend wishes he could be more of an avid golfer, so this weekend we went to the driving range so I could learn. My boobs get in the way for a perfect golf swing sadly, but I've got mad putting skills.

7. Go on a hike.
- Ever since I saw a long ago friend from High School's hiking album on facebook, I took the notion of taking up hiking to heart. I'd like to be able to go on my first hike this summer since there are so many tiny trails right here near work that all end in my favorite place, the beach.

8. Go camping.
-My dad has a trailer that he keeps in Soledad Canyon. A little camp ground between Lancaster and Pomdale. They have a pool and lots of hiking space. I hope I can get The Boyfriend over his fear of bugs to come with me. I love camping, as long as I have my trusty air mattress packed.

Not About Moving, Beauty, Baking or Romance.

This one's about diet food.

Like most of the American female population I freak out about my weight. When I'm single I totally freak out about my weight. But since I'm in a relationship, this is the first time I'm attempting to balance that "Fat and Happy" mindset that I usually get with my issues about being more than a little plus sized.

I've been taking Karate at the United Studios of Self Defense for 9 months. I've lost an inch all the way around and ten pounds. I attempt to go three times a week. On a good week I'll go four times, but usually I skip Wednesday because of Happy Hour at the Belmont Brewing Company. After a hard night of drinking I just want to sleep in till 10 and be sucked into The Boyfriend's bed. When I fall off the wagon and don't go, I notice I'm more moody, sad, and prone to tears. I'm not the best at the actual martial art by any means, but working out three times a week makes me feel like a million bucks.

I also love to cook. If I could cook every weekend I'd be a very very happy woman. I also think, if I cooked more I'd be less likely to pig out on stuff. When I bake, I never want to eat anything I bake, its almost as if, while baking that delicious cake, cookie or brownie, I force out the desire for it. But sadly, with my very awkward schedule and budget living (Mostly my crappy schedule) I am unable to cook. So I don't eat as healthy as I'd like to. But recently I've found a few ways to skirt the corners when packing my own lunches and snacking on things I totally shouldn't be eating.

1. Sarah Lee's 45 Calories and Delightful Sandwich Bread.
I literally can't eat any other bread (except beer bread) with my sandwiches without feeling disgustingly full. This bread comes in four flavors; Honey Wheat, White, Wheat, and Multi Grain. I've only tasted the honey wheat myself, which has a hint of sweetness where the others do not. It does have a SLIGHT tendency to stick to the roof of your mouth if your sandwich is a bit damp from veggies, but doesn't taste rubbery or diet-y at all!

2. Kettle Brand Baked Potato Chips. In Hickory Honey BBQ.
OMG. I love crunchy things. Chips and crackers are like my biggest weakness at bonfires and get togethers. Add dips and cheeses and I want to fucking die! I love love love Kettle Brand's Buffalo Blu with a fucking passion, but they are SO fatty. These Hickory Honey BBQ chips have only 140 calories for 20 chips and don't taste like the nasty Baked Lays. These are a good substitute for the Buffalo Blu. They are hearty, thick chips with the tasty potato edges still on them. While yes, they have that baked snap to them, they have just enough BBQ flavor to drown out the "less fatty" part of it. I may be converted forever! Well, maybe like every other bag I buy.

3. Quaker Chewy Granola Bars in Peanut Butter and Chocolate.
I CRAVE peanut butter and chocolate like a fiend. These totally soothe my craving without making me feel "belch" as I would if I had a peanut butter cup. My only problem? Sometimes they get a little stale. Or if I leave them in my car for too long and they get cold and not as chewy to eat. Despite that, these are totally a plus for when I need that pick me up after karate. They even have ones with extra protein in them! (A plus for building healthy muscles!)

4. Reece's 100 Calorie Peanut Butter Wafer Bars.
Orgasmic! Yes, literally. When I'm craving something really chocolaty I go straight to this! Two per pack they are heavy on the peanut butter and chocolate and light on the wafer. Its just like having a peanut butter cup but not as bad for you! I try to ignore the 2.5 g of saturated fat (a bad fat, good fats are monosaturated and polysaturated) in these, and don't eat them every day. I keep meaning to try their other flavors but really, they had me at peanut butter.

5. I Cant Believe It's Not Butter Spray.
I have a wicked craving for grilled cheese sandwiches after a hang over. They are my poor man's cure, when I cant afford In N Out. This shit is amazing. I don't bake with it, but its great for grilled cheese and any other sauteing I need to do. Mmm thinking about grilled cheese makes me want to bake Billie's beer bread with the BBC's Strawberry Blonde Ale.

Speaking of beer...

6. Becks Premier Light Beer & MGD 64. (no link, because they aren't direct)
I haven't tried any of these, but if I'm sure to be drinking copious amounts of beer for beer pong, BBQ season, bonfires and the like, this is what I'm buying. I can get trashed and not have to worry about my girlish figure. (Well, kinda, they both have a low alcohol content, 2.4%) Both have 64 calories (vs Bud Light's 110 and Michelob Ultra's 94) and according to my Partner in Crime don't taste too bad. I won't be pairing it with my pizza in public (I like dark beers for that) or ordering it at my local brewery (be a locavore for that!), but in Hermosa when I want to fucking shake it, I'll stick with these two.

(p.s. awesome site this beer100.com, I guess I need to say fuck you to MDG and Becks and just drink steel reserve at 8.1%)


Ok, enough for now. Get your vitamin C guys! Oranges are in season! You're sure to get tasty ones. With pig flu (and other flu) going around lots of sleep and lots of oranges will do you wonders!

On Romance. Trashy Romance at That.

I read a lot. Like in a book every two days. Yes, they are 90 percent of the time trashy romance novels. I'll defend my guilty pleasure till the end of time. Whenever I tell anyone that I love them, that I read them voraciously (a word I learned from said trashy romance novels) and that I read them openly in public, I always get a few typical questions. One of my favorites would have to be "Do you read those novels with the half naked men on them? Haha!" Sigh.

No I don't. First off any of the half naked hero/heroine romances, often called bodice rippers, tend to be published in the1980's 1990's and are usually out of print unless picked up by a large publishing house for a reprint. If I am caught reading one of them they tend to be dog eared and falling apart from moves from one house to the other, rain soaked storage in backpacks and purses and rips from hiding them long ago when I was ashamed of my habit at 11 or 12. The ones that do feature half naked covers tend to be really hilarious Harlequin "Category" romances. Most Harlequin romances are a single in a series, like the hilariously titled: The Greek Millionaires Secret Child or The Ruthless Billionaires Secret Virgin which cater to the poor employee/rich man fantasy. There are genres in the Harlequin world that deal with single fathers, and NASCAR. They have sub genres which include paranormal romance, erotic fiction, and Christianity (which usually have no sex and deal with romance in the scope of God and worship).

One of the reasons I don't read very many category romance writers is because of Harlequin's strict writing guidelines. I find that many of the books are formulaic (duh!) and the characters are hard to develop in 150 pages. But who am I to judge. You have to hand it to them, they know how to produce something that sells and by producing books that follow strict guidelines they are able to appeal to a broader reader base. I'm sure there are some evangelicals who would balk at buying an inspirational Christian romance from a publisher that also publishes novels such as The Duchess, Her Maid, The Groom & Their Lover but I am sure there are few publishing companies that crank out as many as Harlequin does. They even publish romance novels in Spanish and have been one of the first to jump on the Ebook wagon, realizing that these do get devoured and need to be purchased in bulk.

My only issue is that they don't publish queer romance, but then again, would I read it? And here is a major side note, I've read my fair share of queer romance. A lot of the time its either straight erotica or the worst purple prosed novel on the planet. On par with Twilight even, and that's the worst insult I can think of.

But this side note leads nicely into my next explanation, while Harlequin to some (even me!) is scoffed at, the romance genre would not be what it is today with out it. Truthfully, with those writing guidelines set out they've crafted I am sure it has made better writers out of some of the crappiest romance novel writers.

The bottom line of this silly post I've been sitting on for like a million years is that there are four stacks I stick the trashy romance novels I buy in.

Stack One: "Dude this was Great! I'm totally glad I paid 7.99 for this piece of fluff! (Emphasis on the fluff part)"
Authors include:
Amanda Quick, a historical novelist, who has a recent annoying tendency to add the paranormal into all her novels no matter what the pseudonym. Yes, all three of them. Her historicals tend to be lighter on that crap.
Linda Howard, a contemporary author who's pretty good about combining the romance with the serial killer action.
Christina Dodd, but only her historical romance. I'm not so much a fan of her contemporary, her plot lines are a little too convenient. Don't even get me started on her paranormal, I like to forget I wasted three hours at the airport on A Touch of Darkness

Stack Two: "OMGOMG I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head because the story is so riveting and/or because the sex scenes are making me blush like a virgin school girl!"
Authors include:
Sabrina Jeffries. The woman sure does know how to shock me by inserting masturbation and kinky sex scenes into Victorian time periods. Her heroines are feisty
Susan Elizabeth Phillips, another contemporary author who makes me cry every time I read one of her books. Even the really crappy civil war era romance.
Janet Evanovich. Not a romance author per se, but she writes some good romantic tension while making me laugh so hard I pee myself.


Stack Three: "Eh, going in the used bookstore pile. I skimmed the last 50 pages of this book."
Authors include a smattering of the above listed authors. These books once were combined into this last column. Thank god for Book Again. I will never toss another trashy romance novel in the goodwill pile ever again. I can now get more trashy romance novels for half the cover price and twice the lulz because of the cranky old ladies who work there and love romances more than I do. Plus they have a pretty impressive collection of erotic fiction. Oh wow, potential ew factor now that I think about it.

Stack Four. The Wall Dent Pile.
This stack is epic. I don't usually have many of these issues. But since I started going to Book Again and haven't had to count my twenties when the option comes to buy enough books to last me the work week, I've been taking risks on my trashy romance novel obsession. Just this week I had three wall dent books.

Arnette Lamb's, True Heart. I hate, hate, hate, with an epic fury, fake amnesia stories. You know the ones, the heroine has some troubled past, usually of her own making (in this case sneaking away to see her fiancee and gets kidnapped and shipped to America as a bond servant) and fakes amnesia once her loved ones find her so that she doesn't "hurt them once they know about the horrors she experienced." Ugh, I got 50 pages in and tossed it across the room. I was so excited because I had read the book before it and wanted to know how it ended.

The second was Christina Dodd's Treasure of the Sun. I did want to finish it. The plot was clever, set in colonial California, a American housekeeper employed by a rich Mexican. Totally cute what you did there, playing with the status quo, Dodd. Really cute. Too bad you didn't deliver! The story dragged so much I ended up skimming to see if the sex scenes were going to redeem it. Nope. Not at all! The heroine and hero don't even get to have sex in the pages I skimmed, because she's too shy. Fuck that! I don't read trashy romance novels to see the heroine get shy! I like my historicals non historically accurate in that sense. The other "real" sex scenes must have been hidden by her relentlessly slow story line.

The third was Elizabeth Boyle's Confession of a Little Black Gown, which I picked up last minute at Target because I was spending an impromptu night at The Boyfriend's and needed something to read while he was comic making. (Side note: Target = best place to get bestsellers. They are 20%-40% off the cover price sometimes!) This book might not have been as irritating if I had read the first in the series. There is nothing I hate more than buying the book right in the middle of a series and the whole story is a reference to The Secrets of the Little Pink Dress or some such nonsense. Ugh. I am not a big fan of detailed story arcs in romances. An author who is notorious for this is Johanna Lindsey. She spends 90% of her book in back story of secondary characters. It is not worth my time to even pick up anymore.

Really though, just to put it in perspective, none of these are the epic fail of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight. I put the book down like a million times with my "Really SMeyer? Really?" face on. The characters were so one dimensional I could see through the pages. The writing was so purple I thought it was bleeding.

Don't even get me started on how I feel about the main characters and what is considered abuse in an unhealthy relationship. Maybe I'll purchase the series and write a paper on it, I have so much ammunition for the Twihards out there who think Meyer is a goddess and LUUUUUUURRRRVVVVV Edward Cullen with every inch of their virgin lives. Oh, I can't forget the twimom's who think about Edward Cullen when their husband is making love to them at night. I really don't know who's more pathetic.

When I finished it and realized it was just a set up for the next book in the series I hurled it across the room. Fuck you Stephanie Meyer. Fuck you. I want three days of my life back. Thank god I bought it used at Powells bookstore, I'm glad I didn't fund you another 15 dollars!

Sigh, I finally think I'm done with this. It took about a week, but I think that's it. I may sit down with the next romance I've got and make notes so I can post a review here. Humph, we'll see how well that idea goes.

No Such Thing as too Much Housewarming...

Unless its 101 degrees outside and my tiny apartment has ten people in it.
This weekend I had my first housewarming party. In hindsight perhaps not the best idea ever.

Friday night I had a spare five seconds between the most recent fight my Stepmom had with my dad and me trying to sleep to get my grocery shopping done. I had mini mac n cheese, "meatless" meat turnovers, home made guacamole and a shit ton of Champagne on the menu. So while listening to my stepmom bitch about things both of us know are never going to change about my father, I picked up my room and whisked Ace hair off everything.

Saturday night after going to an interesting grad show with The Boyfriend, (I say interesting because one artist was a sub par comic strip artist and the other was a pretty amazing digital artist who specialized in fantasy art, not really my cup of tea.) I cleaned like a bitch. I even mopped the floor. I stepped on glass, found enough stray cat litter to fill a box, and washed every dish we owned. I went to bed twitching, trying to figure out how I was going to fit everything I needed to do into the hours before 4pm the next day.

Saturday dawned balls hot. Its never THAT hot in LA. Yeah, it may hit about 100 in the valley, but the South Bay area is NEVER that hot. 91 degrees, is too hot! I delayed the cooking as much as I could. I kept everything in the fridge prepared and ready to stick in the oven. I drank as much water as my bladder would hold in the meantime as I washed dishes and dished out ice water to Ace. I knew I'd be drinking once guests arrived and I did not want to become the one to pass out because I was dehydrated. I am so glad to have moved out and have such a large kitchen at my disposal. It was fantastic despite the heat.

Gem of the Day: Appetizers you can make the night before are amazing! You can make them the night before and stick them in the fridge to be ready to just pop in the oven the next day before your party. This is great so you can focus on more important things like your apperance.
Sadly I didn't plan for this since I was so busy thinking about my dirty faux hardwood floor the night before. So while I wanted to look cute, I instead had messy hair from the oven heat and sweaty clothes. I

I made Mini Mac N Cheese, Meatless Meat Turnovers and Guacamole.

The Mini Mac's came out delicious. Unlike the recipe I did not use american cheese. I hate it with a passion. In hindsight I probably should have since they didn't quite stay mini. They fell apart and I ended up having a plate of macaroni and cheese. I also used cayan pepper instead of paprika, because I like spicy. I think there may have been like a cup full of the stuff left over once everyone was gone.


The Meatless Meat Turnovers are called that because usually one uses ground beef, onion soup mix and browns it then sticks in cheese to melt. You then place the mixture into the triangles of the crecent rolls and bake for 15 mins till they bake. The Boyfriends good friend is a vegitarian so I decided to try using smart meat, with success. I'd never want to eat tacos with the stuff, its much too salty and weirdly flavored but paired with the bread it was just perfect. I'd use it again because its lower in fat, but I would probably not add extra garlic or onion. There were five left over after everyone left, which I ate for breakfast this morning and they were SO good.

Of course despite the fact that I forgot tomatos and added too much jalipeno for most of my guests my Guacamole rocked.

My almost disaster: the couch. Since the only shared space is the Kitchen I had to figure out a way to fit 10 people into my room. Now I definatly didnt think about this all the way through. My mother has a love seat in her bedroom. My brother and I had the WORST time trying to get it out. It involved alot of cussing, some sibling regressive fighting, (you know the kind, where you're a college graduate with a mess of experience under your belt but for some reason your little brother can always bring out the yell-y, scream-y, 'I hate you' claiming bitch in you, never mind that you deal with more irritating people on a daily basis) removed couch legs, and a removed door from its hinges. After all that headache, my brother sits down for, like, five seconds and is able to figure it out himself. Talk about almost tear inducing.

As "payment" I was charged with helping him hang posters. Which was frightening enough. I encouraged him with the phrase "less is more." Thankfully, I only had about enough tacks for 4 posters. Only one which was atrocious, a Gundam Wing poster of some sort.

Once guests started ariving and food was put in the oven, the temperature in the room went up a good ten degrees. Thankfully everyone was a good sport, no one stayed too late, the not so much Star Trek fans left by 6 or 7, and the die hard fans stayed till about 9 and everyone pitched in to help clean.

For my first housewarming party in my new apartment we did pretty well. And now I have enough left over beer to fill a keg. I want to have people over more often. Yay!

Not about moving or beauty...

This one's about cooking.
Well, baking specifically.
One of my FAVORITE things to do.

I made Glazed Apple Oatmeal Muffins last night since I had nothing to do after work.
I had most of the ingredients at home except unflavored oatmeal, lemons and granny smith apples. This was such an easy recipe to make but they didn't come out as nicely as they should.

As you can see they are a bit flat. Compared to the blog above's picture, they are pretty lame. They tasted amazing, but were heavy and not light and fluffy as muffins should be.

They tasted really apple-y, with just a hint of the lemon bite in the lemon/sugar glaze.

I attribute this heaviness to the fact that I may have overmixed the batter, the apples were a tiny bit too juicy, or I may have not cooked them for long enough.

The problem with baking is that one has to be VERY careful about the steps. In some cooking you cant just skip steps, but with baking, there's no cutting corners. Adding an egg when you should have waited till after you combine flour and liquid mixture, is sure to be a disaster. Like I did with my poor lemon chiffon cake, jiggled like jello but with an egg consistency all because I added an extra egg white too early. I'm determined to get these muffins to be light, and fluffy. I have one more granny smith apple waiting at home that I'm going to use to bake another batch on Monday.

Earlier that morning I made The Boyfriend and I french toast. I don't know why I even bother with it anymore. I cannot for the life of me make presentable french toast or pancakes. (Although I did find a recipe for beer pancakes which would be amazing with the Belmont Brewery's Strawberry Blonde Ale) I think I'm just going to stop attempting cute, healthy, breakfast in bed kind of breakfasts. I'm Mexican, and can refry beans and fry potatos like no one's business. My grandma makes this amazing breakfast dish with triangles of corn tortillas and scrambled eggs so its like you have tortilla chips in your scrambled eggs! So totally not healthy for you, but god, so good!

But tonight, once I get out of work, I'm going to make goat cheese twice baked potatoes. And I keep hoping I wont screw up.