Trashy Romance Novel Review: Julie Garwood's Murder List

Oh Julie Garwood.

I have such fond memories of you. You helped me survive 6th grade with your historical romance novels. Your spunky unconventional heroines were role models for my 12 year old self. Your brooding and rake heroes begged for reformation. I drank your romance novels like coke on a scorching day!

Ms. Garwood, now that I am older and wiser I'd have to say I've grown out of you, and here is why.

Ms. Garwood was exclusively a historical romance writer. Even as a pre teen I knew her stories were formulaic. Her heroes are an interesting mix of brute meets dreamer. He's always some sort of warrior. Either he works for the home office, or he's a barbarian conquering the Saxons. She's also well known for her formulaic heroines. Wiki says "Garwood's novels are particularly known for the quirkiness of her heroines, who tend to have an ability to get lost anywhere, clumsiness, and a "charming ability to obfuscate and change the direction of conversations to the consternation, frustration, but eventual acceptance of the other party." Sexy huh? Innocent is more like it.

Murder List is a contemporary suspense. I love my suspense littered with romance. Its the best. Hell, the marker of a good romance is the suspense between the characters, yeah you know they're going to end up happily ever after, but you're still sitting on the edge of your seat thinking, "Will they? Won't they?" What girl hasn't entertained the notion of the modern day knight in shining armor? She, in trouble, he an authority figure, helps her in her time of need through information and protection. Talk about 20th century fantasy material! I was so excited to read this back in 2004 when it was originally published because Garwood was only releasing maybe a book every few years, so when I saw it in the library's book bin, I was all for paying 10 cents for it. Was it a mistake? Maybe, but reading it was enlightening because it really showed me how much my tastes have changed in just five years of reading these!

Murder List is about Regan Hamilton, a hotel heiress who is in charge of her families vast philanthropic foundation. Alec Buchanan is a NY detective assigned to body guard duty because he pissed off his superior. Regan is looking into some shady self help guru who is stealing money from his clients and maybe even killing them. While looking into this guru's practices with her crazy rich friends (who are all doing work that pays them nothing while living off the family fortune. One friend is a high school science teacher who teaches auto mechanic classes at night, while the other is the art and style writer for the local paper) she is stalked by someone who has a grudge against her. The crazy shady guru (who is in the book for the first chapter and the last. Way to go Garwood! ::sarcastic::) has the group compose a murder list as an exercise to help the group cleanse themselves of their anger. Regan conveniently drops hers. Shady character picks it up. Proceeds to kill only TWO of the five people on her "murder list," like, a month after she drops it. Garwood makes it clear that Regan is having a hard time choosing names because well, she's just so gosh darn nice. Regan meets Alec because of the first murder and the killers subsequent psychotic love of sending her proof of the murders. Alec is attracted to her, they spend the entire book flirting and organizing her office with little to no detective work. They sleep together. They tell each other it won't happen again. Add in a new job offer in a different location, a false suspect arrested and a chase through the forest and you've got yourself a really really mediocre romantic suspense novel.

I can't even get into how much this book annoyed me. I have the other four contemporaries she's written as sequels and I don't remember them being this annoying. Regan is too nice for her own good. She'd never catch a dangerous fox of a detective/soon to be FBI agent like Alec in a million years in real life. Yeah, books are escapism, but I like my reality to be in the chemistry of the characters. I didn't feel this chemistry. Maybe there would have been more if Regan had been less sweet. Sweet in the way kids breakfast cereal is sweet, the kind that makes you a little nauseous and you know is a shitty way to start your day. But damn didn't I love this when it came out in 2004. It was like crack. Now I was just frustrated. I wanted her to be on top of finding this killer, instead of burying herself in organizing her office files and leaving the detecting to the big boy cops. Alec didn't even do anything, he sat there and alternated watching her tv and her legs the whole time.

Don't even get me started on the bad guy. He was just that, some random ass bad guy. The reader couldn't discover who he was in a million years. Garwood had to tell us it! Lame!

Now wait, its not ALL bad. I read these trashy romance novels when I was way to young to be thinking about sex all the time. I also read them with my head up in the clouds, wondering when I'd find my own prince charming to come save me. On a scale of the trashy romance novel's I've read and how they have impacted my poor adolescent brain? Lets look at the pertinent facts: nice girl gets reformed bad boy, bad guy gets punished, heroine, while sweet, is plucky in her own way, and while the chemistry is luke warm, Garwood makes an effort to show that Alec and Regan love each other.

Now for the good stuff: the sex. On the scale of 1-5, was a 2 (I think I need to really mull over this sex scene rating at length. Heh, length). Would I give this to my 12 year old daughter? Sure. She could be reading Twilight. Better she read about a couple who loves each for other reasons than how they smell. Better she fantasize about an idealized version of what really happens in bed between a couple than someone passing out because of the pain of a sparkly, venomous penis penetration.

What stack does it go in? Stack Three. "So glad I only paid 10 cents for this shit. Used bookstore here you come!"

If you like romantic suspense with law enforcement and stalkers try: Linda Howard's Dying to Please

Ridiculous

So I keep meaning to post more, because well, that's what this thing is for.
I've got recipes galore to post, that I've cooked in the past month, and pictures I need to start taking of said food.
I'm sure I'll have crafty bitch things to post and fantastic frugal living hints, to add to the ones I've found this month.
I also think I'm going to add a few book reviews to this lovely thing.
Damn I got to be more on top of this.

Ok recently I've made these:
Honey Chicken stir fry with sugar snap peas, broccoli and onion.
I perfected my mini Macaroni and Cheese hors d'oeuvres.
-I had to cave and add American cheese (blech!) and bigger elbow macaroni. Also to support these tender cheesy morsels I had the idea to put them in muffin cups for easy handling.
My favorite meat turnovers
An authentic Mexican breakfast burrito with Longaniza(or chorizo).
- if you've never tried either, they are AMAZING cooked in a burrito or my favorite, with eggs!
And a ton of grilled cheese. I got lazy.

And thats all I can remember at the moment.

as for frugal living:

I just discovered big lots. Silly I know! I moved Ace in with Woody last week and needed things to make his transition easier. Big lots is an epic win for that! Really cheap (and high quality) cat toys for a dollar, a mat for under his cat box for five dollars, and cat litter (the good kind) for 5 bucks too. I also got body lotion, a box for all my toiletries at Woody's, Batman placemats (I couldn't resist), cotton rounds for a dollar (I've been looking everywhere for some cheap ones!), all for under 20 bucks! How can I say no to all of that?

Craftiness is at an all time low.
Woody and I are going to Seattle for the Penny Arcade Expo in September and then in October I'm going to the Alternative Press Expo in SF with him. I'm going to get crafty there so I can promote Woody's art like a bitch.

(if you haven't seen his stuff yet here's the website, www.betweenmars.com if you like ridiculousness and whimsy you'll love his stuff!)

As for books, well, I've been a book slut.
This fuses mightily with my love of being thrifty.
I canvas the used bookstores in the vicinity of my places of residence and haven't found too many places, but goddamn does the library in Palos Verdes have a good book sale section.

So after I finish reading Murder List by Julie Garwood I'll post a Yea or Nay for this lovely piece of trashy romance nove literature. And cue my start to begin blogging again!