Hello! Its been quite a while!
I've been motivated to post today because those I love and follow have been posting such great New Year's lists and resolutions. (also my boss is out of the office and I'm on the morning shift yay!) So now it's my turn!
My New Year's resolutions last year consisted of...
1. Working on my fitness.
- Yes, I did work on it. I went to Karate. No, I didn't go as often as I should go, but I never stopped going all together. I'm stronger and fitter now than I was last year. I'm an orange belt and I don't regret the hundreds of dollars I've devoted to United Studios of Self Defense, nor do I regret having to be a cheap slut on a budget to keep doing this. Now I'm quitting for a few months to get my school life together, but I made a decision to still go to my cardio class there two days a week so I'm not tempted to just quit all together. I'm on weight watchers. Yeah, thats ALSO hard. Yes, I've been pretty bad lately. But if I just keep tracking, and holding on to Woody's hand when I want to go overboard, I should be able to loose weight. I just want to change my habits, not become half the person I am. So I'll be keeping this resolution.
2. Working on my debt.
- Tis done! I got all my shit paid. I'm not getting calls from collection agencies, or multi colored notices in the mail. If there's any advice I'd give those cheap sluts in debt I'd say DON'T wait for those pretty notices to come in the mail. Be proactive. Call your collectors explain the situation and get your ass in gear to pay it back. They do want their money, and they DO accept payments. Its not fun being buried under those notices.
Despite having gotten rid of all my crazy ass debt, I do have a credit card that is maxed out. I'd like to get that paid off before the year is out. So this is also staying on the resolution list.
3. Saving for my back tattoo.
- This resolution started out so well! I was saving 20-40 dollars a month for this. Then ace got sick, and bills piled up and it got pushed to the side. Truthfully, I think this might come off my list this year because I've got so much on my plate that is just more important. Ink is fun, expensive and not nearly as much of a priority as getting my life together.
4. Continuing my education.
- This I did! Got my diploma from UCSC, got my last few classes finished, applied to grad school (didn't get in) and now have looked over my options and shall apply again to more grad schools. I've taken that step to quit USSD for a few months so that I can expediate the grad school financial proccess without pulling out all my hair. This one's a keeper!
5. Streamlining my life.
- Not so much. I started this blog as a move to track and give advice to those who are moving. In Feburary I've got plans to move in with my boyfriend. I'm nervous and excited all at once. I'm also stressed knowing that my space in his apartment is so limited, that I am surely not going to fit all my crap. Which means I'm actually going to have to streamline my life for real. This is a must for this year's resolutions.
6. Working on great skin.
-If by working on great skin this year I mean I increased my sunscreen intake then yes, I worked on great skin. Lancome is just so expensive! Even with my Partner In Crime's employee discount. Sunscreen is really the key for the summer (you're future face will thank you), and moisturizer is key for the winter.
7. Writing in my paper journal more.
- Fail. I just need to be doing this or blogging more. I can't decide.
8. Reading more edifying books.
- Fail. Edifying books are sometimes NO FUN! So this is another maybe.
9. Stop being such a crazy ass girlfriend.
- Success! With my 2008 goal (Dont be a fucking doormat. Communicate. Be everything you want in others. Dont be afraid of confrontation.) such a success, I've really been able to open up and not make the same mistakes I've made with past relationships. I've never had such a healthy amazing love life in never!
So it looks like we've got...
1. working on my fitness.
2. work on debt.
3. continue my education
4. streamline my life
these added to...
5. drink more water.
- at least 96 ounces a day. Being hydrated is so important to great skin. I love the fact that I don't have to wear too much foundation at this time in my life. With the amount that everyone my age drinks its even MORE important to hydrate, and I've fallen off the wagon of late with leaving my reusable waterbottle at home. (Slut on a budget hint on where to get a eco bottle cheap? Walgreens!)
6. blog more.
- Because I love this shit!
7. drink less booze.
- Alchoholism runs in my family. My grandfather had it, and my great uncle had it. I realize that yep, I like booze a little too much. So honestly, I'm going to try and cut back on it. (just think about those extra calories saved!)
I think I've got a good amount of work ahead of me.
I'll now admit to you a guilty pleasure, lists. I love them. All kinds! I especially love year end lists. I've found some pretty awesome lists of things this year that I'd like to share with you!
Best Books of 2009
Souless by Gail Carriger - A novel of Vampires, Werewolves and Parasols. Steampunk, romance, paranormal suspense? I'm so in. 181 pages into the book and its already a keeper!
Hunger Games and Catching Fire by Suzzane Collins - by far my new favorite series. This is what I'd rather my kids read than Twilight. Post apocolyptic society pits teens against each other to fight to the death. Heroine is fiesty and flawed. I love her. Not a big fan of the cliffhangers but... I'll forgive Suzzane Collins.
Jo Beverly - for the win all year. I powered through her romance series this year and I regret not one moment. I like historical romance with a high end of sexual tension.
SkippyJohn Jones by Judith Byron Schachner- Red this in Seattle for PAX and FELL IN LOVE with this children's book set. A siamese kitten who thinks he's a chihuahua who journeys into his closet for adventures with his chihuahua friends? Score!
Babar's Musem of Art - something I'm sure to read to my kids.
Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie- I loved this romance so much I read it twice in two weeks. It was that good!
Coraline by Neil Gamien- Errie and powerful. Had nightmares not going to lie.
Pride Prejudice and Zombies - While I cannot condone Sense, Sensibility and Seamonsters, I LOVED this one.
Best Beauty, Health and Food Discoveries of 2009
Smashbox Heartbreaker Liquid Liner Pen (http://www.smashbox.com/HEARTBREAKER-LIQUID-LINER-PEN) - I've been way in love with eyeliner. Especially 1960's era eyeliner. The thicker the better. My eyes love it! This pen is SOOOOO EASY! Its like a felt tipped pen! It goes on smooth and its not messy at all!
Getting your hair professionally dyed - it makes such a difference!
bosu ball - if you havent tried this at the gym you MUST. Its a ball with a flat bottom that helps you work your core. Your core helps your posture, walk and balance. I have a love hate relationship with this thing. Use it whenever you'd be on the floor working out. Crunches, push ups, even weights (when turned over and used as a balance board) are about a million times harder on this thing.
ea sports active - harder than I was expecting. Good for a rainy day but probably not a subsitution for your regular workout.
Honey crisp apples - Mmm. My favorite apples, only in season in the winter time. Perfect for eating whole.
Red lipstick- So I never felt comfortable wearing read lipstick until just recently. I had a dress that just screamed for some red accents and my heels were just not doing it. The trick? Try on every single shade of red you possibly can. I am a fan of Lancome's L'Absolu Rouge in Absolute Rouge and Revlon's Matte Lipstick in Really Red. Both of these are orange based that go great with my skin tone and are matte or not super shiney. The shine makes my lips look thin. Alot of people get nervous about wearing red because they buy the wrong color. Wearing the right shade of red will give you a super great boost of confidence.
Vintage and short wedding dresses - I know, I probably SHOULDN'T be thinking about wedding dresses. Its really quite horrible. BUT, when I give into the impuse I keep coming back to Dolly Couture's and Whirling Turban's wedding dresses. They are just so goddamn cute! And tailored to your size since they are custom made. That might put some people off but... not me!
Best Movies and TVof 2009
Star Trek - the newest movie. Underlying sexual tension between Kirk and Spock? Count me in. I don't care if no one else sees it.
The Office - Old news to some, but this series on Netflix on my computer keeps me sane in the Jesus library late at night
Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Another oldie but goodie. I love wasting time on this show.
Watchmen - Alien penis? Score! And despite the die hard comic lover's hate, I really found it at good adaption.
Coraline - Not in 3D! Just as fucking creepy as the book. Jeeze I'll have nightmares about Terri Hatcher's voice for years. Although I do love her pencil skirt.
1990's xmen on DVD - How can I not indulge (FINALLY) in my childhood love of Rouge and Gambit?
Best Websites of 2009
Souless by Gail Carriger - I already gushed about the book. This promotional website is just as awesome. Victorian paper dolls online? YES! So many times yes!
Tastespotting.com - I love this cooking website so much. So many pretty pictures! So many personal blogs. It makes it easy and accessable to first time cooker, me!
Craftzine.com - Always a win for some crafty gift ideas.
BlazedandConfused on Twitter - So you know those ridiculous Harlequin Blaze romances you see in the market and in the used book store? BlazedandConfused tweets the best lines from whatever they are reading at the moment. Hilarity ensues every time I read their tweets.
Smart Bitches, Trashy Books - I can never ever stop gushing about how much I love this blog. Its everything I could ever want!
Best Events of 2009
Disney's Give a Day Get a Day - Technically, its a 2010 event, but I found out about it in 2009. I always thought the "Celebrate your birthday with Disney" was kinda lame, but this new gimmick is totally awesome! Volunteer and get a free day at Disneyland. You'll what Disneyland? You'll *pay* me to volunteer? Score! Add that to the fact that the Jesus library will allow me to take a day with pay to volunteer and its a double score!
Hockey Games - I don't care which team. But I love them, I need to go to more.
Zombie Walks - Also another thing I need to do more.
The Alternative Press Expo - A beautiful fun, less cracktastic alternative to Comic-Con 2009. Sure you won't get the cast of Twilight, but who wants that at their comic book convention? Not me! Support small press and self published authors!
Demolition Derbys and the OC fair - an epic win all around. I did not expect to enjoy 30 minutes of cars crashing into each other but I was SO wrong.
Grand Torino drinking game - Ok, here are the rules, you can only drink Pabst Blue Ribbon and you have to drink whenever Clint Eastwood: shoots someone with his hand, says something racist, the Grand Torino is shown, he drinks a PBR or growls/grunts. It may not seem like much to go on, but by the end of the movie, you'll be falling down drunk.
Ink and Iron Festival - Such a good night! Tattoo expo on the Queen Mary? Live bands? Booze. So good! So fun!
I've just realized how long this is. Ok, I'll stop now.
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Trashy Romance Novel Review: Julie Garwood's Murder List
Oh Julie Garwood.
I have such fond memories of you. You helped me survive 6th grade with your historical romance novels. Your spunky unconventional heroines were role models for my 12 year old self. Your brooding and rake heroes begged for reformation. I drank your romance novels like coke on a scorching day!
Ms. Garwood, now that I am older and wiser I'd have to say I've grown out of you, and here is why.
Ms. Garwood was exclusively a historical romance writer. Even as a pre teen I knew her stories were formulaic. Her heroes are an interesting mix of brute meets dreamer. He's always some sort of warrior. Either he works for the home office, or he's a barbarian conquering the Saxons. She's also well known for her formulaic heroines. Wiki says "Garwood's novels are particularly known for the quirkiness of her heroines, who tend to have an ability to get lost anywhere, clumsiness, and a "charming ability to obfuscate and change the direction of conversations to the consternation, frustration, but eventual acceptance of the other party." Sexy huh? Innocent is more like it.
Murder List is a contemporary suspense. I love my suspense littered with romance. Its the best. Hell, the marker of a good romance is the suspense between the characters, yeah you know they're going to end up happily ever after, but you're still sitting on the edge of your seat thinking, "Will they? Won't they?" What girl hasn't entertained the notion of the modern day knight in shining armor? She, in trouble, he an authority figure, helps her in her time of need through information and protection. Talk about 20th century fantasy material! I was so excited to read this back in 2004 when it was originally published because Garwood was only releasing maybe a book every few years, so when I saw it in the library's book bin, I was all for paying 10 cents for it. Was it a mistake? Maybe, but reading it was enlightening because it really showed me how much my tastes have changed in just five years of reading these!
Murder List is about Regan Hamilton, a hotel heiress who is in charge of her families vast philanthropic foundation. Alec Buchanan is a NY detective assigned to body guard duty because he pissed off his superior. Regan is looking into some shady self help guru who is stealing money from his clients and maybe even killing them. While looking into this guru's practices with her crazy rich friends (who are all doing work that pays them nothing while living off the family fortune. One friend is a high school science teacher who teaches auto mechanic classes at night, while the other is the art and style writer for the local paper) she is stalked by someone who has a grudge against her. The crazy shady guru (who is in the book for the first chapter and the last. Way to go Garwood! ::sarcastic::) has the group compose a murder list as an exercise to help the group cleanse themselves of their anger. Regan conveniently drops hers. Shady character picks it up. Proceeds to kill only TWO of the five people on her "murder list," like, a month after she drops it. Garwood makes it clear that Regan is having a hard time choosing names because well, she's just so gosh darn nice. Regan meets Alec because of the first murder and the killers subsequent psychotic love of sending her proof of the murders. Alec is attracted to her, they spend the entire book flirting and organizing her office with little to no detective work. They sleep together. They tell each other it won't happen again. Add in a new job offer in a different location, a false suspect arrested and a chase through the forest and you've got yourself a really really mediocre romantic suspense novel.
I can't even get into how much this book annoyed me. I have the other four contemporaries she's written as sequels and I don't remember them being this annoying. Regan is too nice for her own good. She'd never catch a dangerous fox of a detective/soon to be FBI agent like Alec in a million years in real life. Yeah, books are escapism, but I like my reality to be in the chemistry of the characters. I didn't feel this chemistry. Maybe there would have been more if Regan had been less sweet. Sweet in the way kids breakfast cereal is sweet, the kind that makes you a little nauseous and you know is a shitty way to start your day. But damn didn't I love this when it came out in 2004. It was like crack. Now I was just frustrated. I wanted her to be on top of finding this killer, instead of burying herself in organizing her office files and leaving the detecting to the big boy cops. Alec didn't even do anything, he sat there and alternated watching her tv and her legs the whole time.
Don't even get me started on the bad guy. He was just that, some random ass bad guy. The reader couldn't discover who he was in a million years. Garwood had to tell us it! Lame!
Now wait, its not ALL bad. I read these trashy romance novels when I was way to young to be thinking about sex all the time. I also read them with my head up in the clouds, wondering when I'd find my own prince charming to come save me. On a scale of the trashy romance novel's I've read and how they have impacted my poor adolescent brain? Lets look at the pertinent facts: nice girl gets reformed bad boy, bad guy gets punished, heroine, while sweet, is plucky in her own way, and while the chemistry is luke warm, Garwood makes an effort to show that Alec and Regan love each other.
Now for the good stuff: the sex. On the scale of 1-5, was a 2 (I think I need to really mull over this sex scene rating at length. Heh, length). Would I give this to my 12 year old daughter? Sure. She could be reading Twilight. Better she read about a couple who loves each for other reasons than how they smell. Better she fantasize about an idealized version of what really happens in bed between a couple than someone passing out because of the pain of a sparkly, venomous penis penetration.
What stack does it go in? Stack Three. "So glad I only paid 10 cents for this shit. Used bookstore here you come!"
If you like romantic suspense with law enforcement and stalkers try: Linda Howard's Dying to Please
I have such fond memories of you. You helped me survive 6th grade with your historical romance novels. Your spunky unconventional heroines were role models for my 12 year old self. Your brooding and rake heroes begged for reformation. I drank your romance novels like coke on a scorching day!
Ms. Garwood, now that I am older and wiser I'd have to say I've grown out of you, and here is why.
Ms. Garwood was exclusively a historical romance writer. Even as a pre teen I knew her stories were formulaic. Her heroes are an interesting mix of brute meets dreamer. He's always some sort of warrior. Either he works for the home office, or he's a barbarian conquering the Saxons. She's also well known for her formulaic heroines. Wiki says "Garwood's novels are particularly known for the quirkiness of her heroines, who tend to have an ability to get lost anywhere, clumsiness, and a "charming ability to obfuscate and change the direction of conversations to the consternation, frustration, but eventual acceptance of the other party." Sexy huh? Innocent is more like it.
Murder List is a contemporary suspense. I love my suspense littered with romance. Its the best. Hell, the marker of a good romance is the suspense between the characters, yeah you know they're going to end up happily ever after, but you're still sitting on the edge of your seat thinking, "Will they? Won't they?" What girl hasn't entertained the notion of the modern day knight in shining armor? She, in trouble, he an authority figure, helps her in her time of need through information and protection. Talk about 20th century fantasy material! I was so excited to read this back in 2004 when it was originally published because Garwood was only releasing maybe a book every few years, so when I saw it in the library's book bin, I was all for paying 10 cents for it. Was it a mistake? Maybe, but reading it was enlightening because it really showed me how much my tastes have changed in just five years of reading these!
Murder List is about Regan Hamilton, a hotel heiress who is in charge of her families vast philanthropic foundation. Alec Buchanan is a NY detective assigned to body guard duty because he pissed off his superior. Regan is looking into some shady self help guru who is stealing money from his clients and maybe even killing them. While looking into this guru's practices with her crazy rich friends (who are all doing work that pays them nothing while living off the family fortune. One friend is a high school science teacher who teaches auto mechanic classes at night, while the other is the art and style writer for the local paper) she is stalked by someone who has a grudge against her. The crazy shady guru (who is in the book for the first chapter and the last. Way to go Garwood! ::sarcastic::) has the group compose a murder list as an exercise to help the group cleanse themselves of their anger. Regan conveniently drops hers. Shady character picks it up. Proceeds to kill only TWO of the five people on her "murder list," like, a month after she drops it. Garwood makes it clear that Regan is having a hard time choosing names because well, she's just so gosh darn nice. Regan meets Alec because of the first murder and the killers subsequent psychotic love of sending her proof of the murders. Alec is attracted to her, they spend the entire book flirting and organizing her office with little to no detective work. They sleep together. They tell each other it won't happen again. Add in a new job offer in a different location, a false suspect arrested and a chase through the forest and you've got yourself a really really mediocre romantic suspense novel.
I can't even get into how much this book annoyed me. I have the other four contemporaries she's written as sequels and I don't remember them being this annoying. Regan is too nice for her own good. She'd never catch a dangerous fox of a detective/soon to be FBI agent like Alec in a million years in real life. Yeah, books are escapism, but I like my reality to be in the chemistry of the characters. I didn't feel this chemistry. Maybe there would have been more if Regan had been less sweet. Sweet in the way kids breakfast cereal is sweet, the kind that makes you a little nauseous and you know is a shitty way to start your day. But damn didn't I love this when it came out in 2004. It was like crack. Now I was just frustrated. I wanted her to be on top of finding this killer, instead of burying herself in organizing her office files and leaving the detecting to the big boy cops. Alec didn't even do anything, he sat there and alternated watching her tv and her legs the whole time.
Don't even get me started on the bad guy. He was just that, some random ass bad guy. The reader couldn't discover who he was in a million years. Garwood had to tell us it! Lame!
Now wait, its not ALL bad. I read these trashy romance novels when I was way to young to be thinking about sex all the time. I also read them with my head up in the clouds, wondering when I'd find my own prince charming to come save me. On a scale of the trashy romance novel's I've read and how they have impacted my poor adolescent brain? Lets look at the pertinent facts: nice girl gets reformed bad boy, bad guy gets punished, heroine, while sweet, is plucky in her own way, and while the chemistry is luke warm, Garwood makes an effort to show that Alec and Regan love each other.
Now for the good stuff: the sex. On the scale of 1-5, was a 2 (I think I need to really mull over this sex scene rating at length. Heh, length). Would I give this to my 12 year old daughter? Sure. She could be reading Twilight. Better she read about a couple who loves each for other reasons than how they smell. Better she fantasize about an idealized version of what really happens in bed between a couple than someone passing out because of the pain of a sparkly, venomous penis penetration.
What stack does it go in? Stack Three. "So glad I only paid 10 cents for this shit. Used bookstore here you come!"
If you like romantic suspense with law enforcement and stalkers try: Linda Howard's Dying to Please
Thursday, April 23, 2009
On Romance. Trashy Romance at That.
I read a lot. Like in a book every two days. Yes, they are 90 percent of the time trashy romance novels. I'll defend my guilty pleasure till the end of time. Whenever I tell anyone that I love them, that I read them voraciously (a word I learned from said trashy romance novels) and that I read them openly in public, I always get a few typical questions. One of my favorites would have to be "Do you read those novels with the half naked men on them? Haha!" Sigh.
No I don't. First off any of the half naked hero/heroine romances, often called bodice rippers, tend to be published in the1980's 1990's and are usually out of print unless picked up by a large publishing house for a reprint. If I am caught reading one of them they tend to be dog eared and falling apart from moves from one house to the other, rain soaked storage in backpacks and purses and rips from hiding them long ago when I was ashamed of my habit at 11 or 12. The ones that do feature half naked covers tend to be really hilarious Harlequin "Category" romances. Most Harlequin romances are a single in a series, like the hilariously titled: The Greek Millionaires Secret Child or The Ruthless Billionaires Secret Virgin which cater to the poor employee/rich man fantasy. There are genres in the Harlequin world that deal with single fathers, and NASCAR. They have sub genres which include paranormal romance, erotic fiction, and Christianity (which usually have no sex and deal with romance in the scope of God and worship).
One of the reasons I don't read very many category romance writers is because of Harlequin's strict writing guidelines. I find that many of the books are formulaic (duh!) and the characters are hard to develop in 150 pages. But who am I to judge. You have to hand it to them, they know how to produce something that sells and by producing books that follow strict guidelines they are able to appeal to a broader reader base. I'm sure there are some evangelicals who would balk at buying an inspirational Christian romance from a publisher that also publishes novels such as The Duchess, Her Maid, The Groom & Their Lover but I am sure there are few publishing companies that crank out as many as Harlequin does. They even publish romance novels in Spanish and have been one of the first to jump on the Ebook wagon, realizing that these do get devoured and need to be purchased in bulk.
My only issue is that they don't publish queer romance, but then again, would I read it? And here is a major side note, I've read my fair share of queer romance. A lot of the time its either straight erotica or the worst purple prosed novel on the planet. On par with Twilight even, and that's the worst insult I can think of.
But this side note leads nicely into my next explanation, while Harlequin to some (even me!) is scoffed at, the romance genre would not be what it is today with out it. Truthfully, with those writing guidelines set out they've crafted I am sure it has made better writers out of some of the crappiest romance novel writers.
The bottom line of this silly post I've been sitting on for like a million years is that there are four stacks I stick the trashy romance novels I buy in.
Stack One: "Dude this was Great! I'm totally glad I paid 7.99 for this piece of fluff! (Emphasis on the fluff part)"
Authors include:
Amanda Quick, a historical novelist, who has a recent annoying tendency to add the paranormal into all her novels no matter what the pseudonym. Yes, all three of them. Her historicals tend to be lighter on that crap.
Linda Howard, a contemporary author who's pretty good about combining the romance with the serial killer action.
Christina Dodd, but only her historical romance. I'm not so much a fan of her contemporary, her plot lines are a little too convenient. Don't even get me started on her paranormal, I like to forget I wasted three hours at the airport on A Touch of Darkness
Stack Two: "OMGOMG I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head because the story is so riveting and/or because the sex scenes are making me blush like a virgin school girl!"
Authors include:
Sabrina Jeffries. The woman sure does know how to shock me by inserting masturbation and kinky sex scenes into Victorian time periods. Her heroines are feisty
Susan Elizabeth Phillips, another contemporary author who makes me cry every time I read one of her books. Even the really crappy civil war era romance.
Janet Evanovich. Not a romance author per se, but she writes some good romantic tension while making me laugh so hard I pee myself.
Stack Three: "Eh, going in the used bookstore pile. I skimmed the last 50 pages of this book."
Authors include a smattering of the above listed authors. These books once were combined into this last column. Thank god for Book Again. I will never toss another trashy romance novel in the goodwill pile ever again. I can now get more trashy romance novels for half the cover price and twice the lulz because of the cranky old ladies who work there and love romances more than I do. Plus they have a pretty impressive collection of erotic fiction. Oh wow, potential ew factor now that I think about it.
Stack Four. The Wall Dent Pile.
This stack is epic. I don't usually have many of these issues. But since I started going to Book Again and haven't had to count my twenties when the option comes to buy enough books to last me the work week, I've been taking risks on my trashy romance novel obsession. Just this week I had three wall dent books.
Arnette Lamb's, True Heart. I hate, hate, hate, with an epic fury, fake amnesia stories. You know the ones, the heroine has some troubled past, usually of her own making (in this case sneaking away to see her fiancee and gets kidnapped and shipped to America as a bond servant) and fakes amnesia once her loved ones find her so that she doesn't "hurt them once they know about the horrors she experienced." Ugh, I got 50 pages in and tossed it across the room. I was so excited because I had read the book before it and wanted to know how it ended.
The second was Christina Dodd's Treasure of the Sun. I did want to finish it. The plot was clever, set in colonial California, a American housekeeper employed by a rich Mexican. Totally cute what you did there, playing with the status quo, Dodd. Really cute. Too bad you didn't deliver! The story dragged so much I ended up skimming to see if the sex scenes were going to redeem it. Nope. Not at all! The heroine and hero don't even get to have sex in the pages I skimmed, because she's too shy. Fuck that! I don't read trashy romance novels to see the heroine get shy! I like my historicals non historically accurate in that sense. The other "real" sex scenes must have been hidden by her relentlessly slow story line.
The third was Elizabeth Boyle's Confession of a Little Black Gown, which I picked up last minute at Target because I was spending an impromptu night at The Boyfriend's and needed something to read while he was comic making. (Side note: Target = best place to get bestsellers. They are 20%-40% off the cover price sometimes!) This book might not have been as irritating if I had read the first in the series. There is nothing I hate more than buying the book right in the middle of a series and the whole story is a reference to The Secrets of the Little Pink Dress or some such nonsense. Ugh. I am not a big fan of detailed story arcs in romances. An author who is notorious for this is Johanna Lindsey. She spends 90% of her book in back story of secondary characters. It is not worth my time to even pick up anymore.
Really though, just to put it in perspective, none of these are the epic fail of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight. I put the book down like a million times with my "Really SMeyer? Really?" face on. The characters were so one dimensional I could see through the pages. The writing was so purple I thought it was bleeding.
Don't even get me started on how I feel about the main characters and what is considered abuse in an unhealthy relationship. Maybe I'll purchase the series and write a paper on it, I have so much ammunition for the Twihards out there who think Meyer is a goddess and LUUUUUUURRRRVVVVV Edward Cullen with every inch of their virgin lives. Oh, I can't forget the twimom's who think about Edward Cullen when their husband is making love to them at night. I really don't know who's more pathetic.
When I finished it and realized it was just a set up for the next book in the series I hurled it across the room. Fuck you Stephanie Meyer. Fuck you. I want three days of my life back. Thank god I bought it used at Powells bookstore, I'm glad I didn't fund you another 15 dollars!
Sigh, I finally think I'm done with this. It took about a week, but I think that's it. I may sit down with the next romance I've got and make notes so I can post a review here. Humph, we'll see how well that idea goes.
No I don't. First off any of the half naked hero/heroine romances, often called bodice rippers, tend to be published in the1980's 1990's and are usually out of print unless picked up by a large publishing house for a reprint. If I am caught reading one of them they tend to be dog eared and falling apart from moves from one house to the other, rain soaked storage in backpacks and purses and rips from hiding them long ago when I was ashamed of my habit at 11 or 12. The ones that do feature half naked covers tend to be really hilarious Harlequin "Category" romances. Most Harlequin romances are a single in a series, like the hilariously titled: The Greek Millionaires Secret Child or The Ruthless Billionaires Secret Virgin which cater to the poor employee/rich man fantasy. There are genres in the Harlequin world that deal with single fathers, and NASCAR. They have sub genres which include paranormal romance, erotic fiction, and Christianity (which usually have no sex and deal with romance in the scope of God and worship).
One of the reasons I don't read very many category romance writers is because of Harlequin's strict writing guidelines. I find that many of the books are formulaic (duh!) and the characters are hard to develop in 150 pages. But who am I to judge. You have to hand it to them, they know how to produce something that sells and by producing books that follow strict guidelines they are able to appeal to a broader reader base. I'm sure there are some evangelicals who would balk at buying an inspirational Christian romance from a publisher that also publishes novels such as The Duchess, Her Maid, The Groom & Their Lover but I am sure there are few publishing companies that crank out as many as Harlequin does. They even publish romance novels in Spanish and have been one of the first to jump on the Ebook wagon, realizing that these do get devoured and need to be purchased in bulk.
My only issue is that they don't publish queer romance, but then again, would I read it? And here is a major side note, I've read my fair share of queer romance. A lot of the time its either straight erotica or the worst purple prosed novel on the planet. On par with Twilight even, and that's the worst insult I can think of.
But this side note leads nicely into my next explanation, while Harlequin to some (even me!) is scoffed at, the romance genre would not be what it is today with out it. Truthfully, with those writing guidelines set out they've crafted I am sure it has made better writers out of some of the crappiest romance novel writers.
The bottom line of this silly post I've been sitting on for like a million years is that there are four stacks I stick the trashy romance novels I buy in.
Stack One: "Dude this was Great! I'm totally glad I paid 7.99 for this piece of fluff! (Emphasis on the fluff part)"
Authors include:
Amanda Quick, a historical novelist, who has a recent annoying tendency to add the paranormal into all her novels no matter what the pseudonym. Yes, all three of them. Her historicals tend to be lighter on that crap.
Linda Howard, a contemporary author who's pretty good about combining the romance with the serial killer action.
Christina Dodd, but only her historical romance. I'm not so much a fan of her contemporary, her plot lines are a little too convenient. Don't even get me started on her paranormal, I like to forget I wasted three hours at the airport on A Touch of Darkness
Stack Two: "OMGOMG I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head because the story is so riveting and/or because the sex scenes are making me blush like a virgin school girl!"
Authors include:
Sabrina Jeffries. The woman sure does know how to shock me by inserting masturbation and kinky sex scenes into Victorian time periods. Her heroines are feisty
Susan Elizabeth Phillips, another contemporary author who makes me cry every time I read one of her books. Even the really crappy civil war era romance.
Janet Evanovich. Not a romance author per se, but she writes some good romantic tension while making me laugh so hard I pee myself.
Stack Three: "Eh, going in the used bookstore pile. I skimmed the last 50 pages of this book."
Authors include a smattering of the above listed authors. These books once were combined into this last column. Thank god for Book Again. I will never toss another trashy romance novel in the goodwill pile ever again. I can now get more trashy romance novels for half the cover price and twice the lulz because of the cranky old ladies who work there and love romances more than I do. Plus they have a pretty impressive collection of erotic fiction. Oh wow, potential ew factor now that I think about it.
Stack Four. The Wall Dent Pile.
This stack is epic. I don't usually have many of these issues. But since I started going to Book Again and haven't had to count my twenties when the option comes to buy enough books to last me the work week, I've been taking risks on my trashy romance novel obsession. Just this week I had three wall dent books.
Arnette Lamb's, True Heart. I hate, hate, hate, with an epic fury, fake amnesia stories. You know the ones, the heroine has some troubled past, usually of her own making (in this case sneaking away to see her fiancee and gets kidnapped and shipped to America as a bond servant) and fakes amnesia once her loved ones find her so that she doesn't "hurt them once they know about the horrors she experienced." Ugh, I got 50 pages in and tossed it across the room. I was so excited because I had read the book before it and wanted to know how it ended.
The second was Christina Dodd's Treasure of the Sun. I did want to finish it. The plot was clever, set in colonial California, a American housekeeper employed by a rich Mexican. Totally cute what you did there, playing with the status quo, Dodd. Really cute. Too bad you didn't deliver! The story dragged so much I ended up skimming to see if the sex scenes were going to redeem it. Nope. Not at all! The heroine and hero don't even get to have sex in the pages I skimmed, because she's too shy. Fuck that! I don't read trashy romance novels to see the heroine get shy! I like my historicals non historically accurate in that sense. The other "real" sex scenes must have been hidden by her relentlessly slow story line.
The third was Elizabeth Boyle's Confession of a Little Black Gown, which I picked up last minute at Target because I was spending an impromptu night at The Boyfriend's and needed something to read while he was comic making. (Side note: Target = best place to get bestsellers. They are 20%-40% off the cover price sometimes!) This book might not have been as irritating if I had read the first in the series. There is nothing I hate more than buying the book right in the middle of a series and the whole story is a reference to The Secrets of the Little Pink Dress or some such nonsense. Ugh. I am not a big fan of detailed story arcs in romances. An author who is notorious for this is Johanna Lindsey. She spends 90% of her book in back story of secondary characters. It is not worth my time to even pick up anymore.
Really though, just to put it in perspective, none of these are the epic fail of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight. I put the book down like a million times with my "Really SMeyer? Really?" face on. The characters were so one dimensional I could see through the pages. The writing was so purple I thought it was bleeding.
Don't even get me started on how I feel about the main characters and what is considered abuse in an unhealthy relationship. Maybe I'll purchase the series and write a paper on it, I have so much ammunition for the Twihards out there who think Meyer is a goddess and LUUUUUUURRRRVVVVV Edward Cullen with every inch of their virgin lives. Oh, I can't forget the twimom's who think about Edward Cullen when their husband is making love to them at night. I really don't know who's more pathetic.
When I finished it and realized it was just a set up for the next book in the series I hurled it across the room. Fuck you Stephanie Meyer. Fuck you. I want three days of my life back. Thank god I bought it used at Powells bookstore, I'm glad I didn't fund you another 15 dollars!
Sigh, I finally think I'm done with this. It took about a week, but I think that's it. I may sit down with the next romance I've got and make notes so I can post a review here. Humph, we'll see how well that idea goes.
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